Surrender!


Life is all about moving on while carrying burden of lessons which we pick up on the way. Those lessons are either make us strong or they teach us in million ways. We are either served by the people or we serve them, either way we learn lesson. By all this learning theory, either we start expecting or we get enough to not ever expect anything from anyone. Later is the best one.

I always used to believe in “WE” and my priority ever started with “THEM” or “WE” but the first lesson I was taught by Canadians was “I” and y bad that I couldn’t learn that lesson and so I am suffering.

My suffering still couldn’t change anything in me and it never would be able to change my approach of viewing life. The only thing I accepted is “No one is yours” and no one will ever bother to think how you feel.

The assurance I have is “surrender”. I have surrendered in front of life, against human beings and now no one could ever hurt me.

Surrender!

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Psychiatrist!


You better go to psychiatrist. Those were just words but they hit me badly and I have been thinking deeply. Do I really need to visit psychiatrist, have I lost my mind? Really?

I feel you have psychological problems and you don’t understand how to behave and when to respond.

Yes, I have been getting aloof. My mindset is disturbed and my mood swings randomly from very happy to deeply sad. I become grumpy and unreasonable at times. My tolerance level shoots up and lose my control for the worst than worst things. Ultimately I become quiet and these are all the phases which are fighting with each other inside my head. But mostly I am a happy and smiley person, that is what I hear from colleagues and peers. I am friendly, helpful, kind, caring, smart, nice and have generous heart. These words are not mind but quoted by my coworkers.

Now I am going through a phase where I am unable to understand “What do I want?”, “What do I have to do?”, “What are my goals?”, “What’s in my heart?”, “What am I looking for?”, “Where will I end up?”, and my answer is complete “Silence”. Because I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. I have no answer. I am quiet and there is dark, sound silence inside me.

I need to go to psychiatrist!

Forgive and Forget!


I am sad today. I have no reason to be sad but again having 1000 reasons to be so. I wish I could leave my habit of remembering heart breaking words and soul crushing behavior of people. Instead of trying hard to forget I still remember sharp words and mean behavior of everyone from past. Then how can I forget the day to day ones. I read once, forgive and forget, I do forgive instantly but I can never ever forget. Perhaps after death in life hereafter I might not remember anything but till my last breath in this world I couldn’t forget anything.

I forgive so Allah may forgive me for every intentional and unintentional deed of mine.

Travelling around the World!


I want to travel around the World. But travelling is an expensive hobby though I have started making my list. Let’s see how soon I would be able to make it come true.

Heart throbbing Saudi Arabia (Makkah and Madina). Who doesn’t want to go there and feel unbelievable spirituality of Allah’s home! I hope could go there ASAP.

Next Country added in my travelling list is India. Because I would love to visit Taj Mahal, the beautiful heritage of Mughals and of course Aagra. Nevertheless Gowa because it is recommended by one of my indian friend. You must visit Gowa, it’s a beautiful beach resort.

Then I would like to go to Egypt, Pyramids are the most appealing one to visit in Egypt.

Turkey! It’s beautiful, I heard and ancient building of Istanbul.

US; How could it be out of my list. Because of life in US. People say time is faster than light in US. I want to see, how?

Iran. I don’t know but I have always had kind of affiliation with Iran.

…………………………………..!

List goes on and needs research.

If you know any place worth visiting, do suggest.  🙂

My World Tour List


I’m going on a world tour, don’t be amazed because I’m. One day I will.

Today I have decided that I will visit India to see Agra and Taj Mahal and gowa. Soon InshaAllah 😊

I am not Happy!


Not all the roads are straight, some are crooked. As if straight roads lead to destiny peacefully. No they don’t. Human being can never be happy of anything. This is all true when I look at myself.

When I was struggling to get degrees I wasn’t happy of hardships I had. When I got job I wasn’t satisfied with my pay cheque, I thought the digits given on pay cheque were far less than the time and effort it was taking me to put in job. From one job to another, I was never happy. Sometimes because of harassment or working environment, sometimes because of taking me as a useless individual. Worth mentioning that I always hated to be judged as What I wasn’t or what I had never done. I hated to be taken other way.

From Pakistan to Canada, journey was long, at least it’s long for me as it consumed 11 beautiful years of mine which is called youth. I feel!

Since day one in Canada I am not happy. Damn struggle of looking for job, cultural shock, no hearing from any interview, blank faces of people. I was unable to get even odd job so I wasn’t happy at all. My money which I brought from Pakistan was running out as Dollar is much more costly than Pakistani Rupee so converting Rupee into Dollar was a heart sinking feeling. and I wasn’t happy  at all. Finally got an odd job but to do that job was a damn new experience for me as I had never done such physical work and standing for continuous 8 hours was a big deal for me. So I wasn’t happy.

After an year I got laid off. Boom! Another stroke. Now what. Again my savings were running out but after 4 months I got another job. Again I wasn’t happy because of the pay cheque I was getting. But somehow by saving and calculating every dollar I was flowing with the time. I got permanent on that job. But now I am again upset, not because of the working environment which is really good but the expenses and lots of debts which I have to pay. My pay cheque is not giving me much to pay off all debts soon. and cherry on top is loneliness and what not list of other expenditure. It’s an expensive country, at least for me it is. I am unable to figure out that how to run away somewhere where I would be happy. I am not a materialistic person but I am lost in a whirlpool of material world. Every second I think of get out of it but how, I don’t know. So again I am not happy at all!

I am not happy of this World! So, I want to runaway!